Category Archives: Love
When I was preparing for my final demonstration teaching in college, I remembered a literary piece told to us by our teacher. It was letter of a father to his daughter who is planning to get married.
I decided to look for it over the internet but in vain. So I grabbed the book from our library and made the copy available online for future students’ benefit. I hope this copy gives you more convenience and a lot of comfort – so that my manual re-typing of the text from the book would be worth it.
The relationship the father and daughter was evident in the text as well as the father’s unprejudiced response. So here it is, “Letter to a Daughter” written by Arthur Gordon.
Letter To A Daughter
By Arthur Gordon
Your letter arrived this morning, and I wasn’t too surprised by it. Ever since you went back to boarding school I’ve had the feeling that you might tell your mother and me that you and Bob want to be married this summer, after graduation. And now you’ve said it.
You ask how I feel about it. Well, not as instantly and automatically negative as you probably expect. I’m pleased that you want my approval, or at least my opinion. Let’s take a long cool look at the pluses and minuses of teen-age marriages.
The biggest plus is that marriage is the best solution to that most ancient and urgent of problems: sex. Nobody should underestimate this, because sex without fear or guilt is about 10,000 times better than sex that is hung up on broken taboos and lacerated consciences. In our society marriage tends to be postponed, for economic or educational reasons, far beyond the time when it makes good biological sense.
A second great advantage in young marriages is flexibility. Your personalities are lithe. You and Bob can adapt to each other, to new environments, new problems. Your ideas aren’t fixed, your attitudes aren’t rigid. Also, you have optimism that assumes things are going to work out, or that even if they don’t, errors can be corrected, losses regained. This kind of exuberance often disappears as people grow up.
Another cheerful fact is that when you marry young, you are more likely to develop similar tastes – in friends, in entertainment, in political candidates. These similarities are the ball bearings in the mechanism of any marriage: the more of them, the better. As one grows older and more fixed in his ways, it is harder to find people whose tastes are similar. Another plus is that being young, you have tremendous physical energy, great vitality and good health.
Finally, you have a superabundance of romantic love. Cynics are always pointing out that isn’t enough, in the long run, to make a marriage go. Maybe they are right. But certainly nothing on earth is so exciting and mysterious and rewarding as this first almost unbearable sweet desire to escape from the prison of self and become part of another person. Whether the glow lasts or not, having it is something to be proud of and grateful for always.
When young lovers look up at the full moon in the night sky they don’t stop to think that it has a dark side. But it has. The presiding judge of a domestic-relations court in California listed five factors most likely to bring such marriages crashing down: 1. Money troubles; 2. immaturity; 3. cultural gap; 4. interfering in-laws; 5. pre-marital pregnancy.
Money troubles, the judge said, are the most frequent single cause of teen-age marriage failure. Often, teen-age husbands are jobless; those who work earn so little; this leaves no margin for error; no money for fun, for illness, or for a baby. Usually it means living with in-laws. It all adds up to trouble. Even if Bob gets a subsidy from his parents, it will mean that he is not really the head of the household – he will still be dependent. He might try borrowing from his Dad but debt is not a good springboard for marriage.
The second great hazard according to this judge is immaturity. This means self-centeredness, inability to compromise or see other points of view, or to rise above hurt feelings or postpone immediate pleasures in favor of future benefits, or to do unpleasant chores when they need to be done instead of putting them off. Trying to be mature is of course a lifetime job. “Love” someone said, “is the accurate estimate and fulfillment of another’s needs.”
The judge mentioned the “cultural gap” in our socially stratified society as another hazard. This means differences in food, in speech, in pastimes, in grooming, in dress, in the kind of people you are comfortable with. When teens with such different cultural backgrounds marry, he said, it is usually because the biological attraction is so strong that it blots all other considerations. He advises young people to try a 48-hour experiment: spend 24 hours in each other’s homes with no love-making at all. If boy and girl remain pleased with each other’s family and way of life, and if without any physical contact they are not bored with each other, then, there is hope for the future.
The fourth deadly factor is interfering in-laws. Where young marriages are concerned, the judge said, in-laws too, often become outlaws. They criticize, they meddle, they make demands. However, I don’t think your parents are much like that, or Bob’s parents either.
All this discussion brings me to a question that you will not like, but that needs to be asked: Why don’t you wait a while? Neither of you has had much exposure, romantically speaking, to other people. Neither of you has been in love before. Neither of you knows what the great big supermarket of the world has to offer because, to put it bluntly, you haven’t shopped around. A year from now, one of you might have a change of heart. In that interval, somebody else might come along who would make an even better life partner. Such waiting period would be a pretty solid test of the durability of your affection. Maybe you don’t owe any such test to your parents, but you owe it to each other.
Whether you take this advice or reject it, you may be sure of one thing: nothing is going to change the way I feel about you. People say that the generation gap is unbridgeable but I don’t believe it. Do you really think that parents forget how lonely and vulnerable being a teenager can be, how desperately you need someone to lean on sometimes?
I remember the stormy night you were born, almost 18 years ago. I was waiting by myself in the hospital room assigned to your mother. The hospital was very quiet. Then I heard a baby’s cry – the delivery room was far down the corridor, through two or three sets of doors. I should not have been able to hear anything at all. But I did hear that one sharp, poignant, far-off sound. Something in me knew it was you. Later I found out from the doctor that it was you.
I have always liked to think that no matter what happened or how many doors came between us, we would always be able to hear from each other.
♣ Same Sex Marriage in the World
“I think same-sex couples should be able to get married,” U.S. President Barrack Obama tells Robin Roberts in an ABC News Exclusive Interview in May 9. The President expressed his support for same-sex marriage as he said he believes it’s important to “treat others the way you would want to be treated.”
Apparently, Obama’s view on marriage has changed throughout his political career. It is notable that he supported same-sex marriage before becoming president, but then changed that view when he ran for national office in 2006. He has always supported civil unions and opposed the recognition of some same-sex couple’s benefits. His view on the idea of marriage has evolved since taking office and he has now confirmed that he supports gay marriage.
♣ Same Sex Marriage in the Philippines
This issue in the U.S. made the legalization of same-sex marriage in the Philippines a hot topic of debates in the island. To put more wood on the fire, same sex unions have been officiated by the group Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) in Baguio City since last year. As the same sex marriages were publicized, MCC’s Myke Sotero said more same sex couples have applied to be wed by the group.
In BPSU, I noticed that there are students who live up the saying “birds of the same feather flock together”. They are students who are involved in same sex relationship.
I took the courage and was given a chance to interview two of these couples – I called them couples for they live deliberately on the same house and the only thing that’s missing in them is marriage which is currently not allowed in the Philippines. Justin and Carl, not their real names have been living together for three years now.
I asked Justin how they manage to live at home and in the community they belong to, especially in BPSU. He said that their family accepts who they are including their same sex partners, and with that he is very thankful. Carl, Justin’s partner, added that when it comes to school, there are also others who are in relationships like them so they are not timid about it.
When asked what their view on same sex marriage is, they said that if only same sex marriage is legal in the Philippines, they would have been married already. This is the same answer I got from Mark and Alvin, their pseudo names, when I asked if they are in favor of same sex marriage. They further explained that if the community is able to accept their relationship, what more if it becomes legalized.
But despite of these clamor for its legalization, the Philippines seem to have closed its doors for same sex marriage. In an article from the Philippine Star last May 11 this year, Edwin Lacierda, a spokesman of President Benigno Aquino III said that “same sex marriage in the Philippines is legally impossible.” He added that “our laws are very clear on the definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman.”
♣ Same Sex Marriage in the Moral and Legal Standards
Lacierda said that the Philippines and the U.S. have a different “cultural milieu” when it comes to the topic. Apparently, Philippine law makers still uphold and consider the natural law as the source and standard of the laws they pass.
Before passing a law, legislators weigh the gravity its effect to the morale of the people. Here’s the rub. You may have already heard of the familiar saying “not all that is legal is moral, but what is moral is worth legalizing.” Simply stated, you can make something legal, but you can’t make it right. There is a difference between being legal and being moral. There were lots of things in the past that were legal but immoral. Apartheid was legal in South Africa, but it wasn’t moral. Among others, it was a violation of transcendent human rights and ought to have been abolished.
What is legal isn’t always moral. There is a legal right but it may be in violation of a transcendent right, and this is why we take exception. Same sex marriage may be legalized but it remains immoral as it is now.
The Archbishop of Glasgow, Mario Conti, warned politicians not to ignore “the wisdom that is handed down generation to generation in communities of faith” in seeking to give people equal rights.
Politicians seem ready to redefine marriage without any reference to children, or to the natural law written on the heart of mankind, putting the claim of ‘equality and diversity’ on a higher level than faith and reason, and ultimately asserting the moral equivalence between marriage and same-sex unions.
The more that those in government and the judiciary slip society’s moorings from the capstans of virtue, the more our society will descend further into ethical confusion and moral disintegration. Until now, the destiny of this curious case of same sex marriage in our country lies in the hands of its lawmakers, legislators, and politicians.
Just finished watching the final episode of Dong Yi [동이]..
What i learned about the life of the Royal Noble Consort Suk of the Choi clan [숙빈최씨] is that:
“a man will be bright/radiant, and successful when he has great intentions and great heart.”
We have heard and seen “women clamoring for equality to men.” Most women, if not all, would strongly agree and support this advocacy. Who will ever oppose that women can now do what men can do? Just the mere notion of it is indeed laudable. Equality is indeed good and visible.
However, in a seminar on Human Rights and Sexual harassment held in our school, Bataan Peninsula State University, Mrs. Magdalena A. Abella, Director of BPSU Center of Human Rights Education (CHRE) said and I quote, “Ang mga babaeng nanghihingi ng equality sa mga lalaki, TANGA!” (Women who asks for equality with men are stupid.) Her audience were obviously flabbergasted as she said this.
In our bewilderment, we asked her of her reason for making such statement. Mrs. Abella said, “why do I have to ask for equality wherein she is far more superior than men?”
Inspired by this thought, I strongly agree that women are in a sense far more superior than men because of several reasons. One of those reasons for example is that, when a woman/lady/girl rides a bus and there is no more seat available for her, men will offer their seats to the woman/lady/girl.
However, these times, when there is no more seats for you, some men would not even care to give you their seats. Why? Because you are now equal. So why would they bother to have you seated when you yourself have clamored for that equality!?
Another example is on courtship. In previous years, men buy flowers, chocolates, etc. to win a lady’s heart. But since these women ask for equality, let them be. Let them be the one to court us men! Isn’t it equality? We are now allowing women to court us. They can now do courting that is solely an effort made by men before. It’s fair enough and equal, isn’t it?
By writing this, I do not wish to intimidate women whosoever. For I am pretty surrounded by women precious in my heart. All four of my sisters and my mother were of course, obviously, women. Most of my friends are girls too. I love women and I respect them.
In light of this article, I like everybody to realize that men and women are like salt and pepper. They were created as complements and not as competitors. We may have differences in our ideals and aspirations, but let us just leave them the way they are.
Beloved women, men care for you and we love you. You don’t have to clamor for equality for we esteem you with high regard. You are our mothers, sisters, and friends, and we even regard you as more than our equals. By the thought itself of being a woman should bear in you a great pride.
I hope and pray that one day, I will no longer hear the clamor of women asking for equality with men. Rather, I want to hear women saying, “I am a woman. I am important, and I am loved. I do not ask or beg for equality with men. For in some instance, I have even been far more superior than men; and that from the beginning, I have been their equal and complement.”
Often, we look for outside beauty. We fail to realize that beauty is not an artificial physique but the goodness of the heart. We should always remember that what is essential is invisible to the eye. The eye is blind for what is really important and beautiful. Let us not be discriminatory and judgmental of people’s appearances. Let us see and perceive beauty from within.
My High School English Teacher told us a story that I will never forget. I cried when I first heard it and I still cry up to now when I hear or read it.. At the time, I wasn’t interested to have a copy. But once in time, the story flashed back to my mind and I suddenly felt the urge to have a copy for myself. I tried hard to find a printed copy, so I went to ask my teacher to lend me hers. But my teacher said her copy was misplaced. I looked for the story in the internet but in vain. But at last, my long search came to an end. I happen to fall on a website (http://clairepalunday.multiply.com) where the article has also been posted.
Wang Yang (Central Daily News July 10/11,1973)
Published in Reader’s Digest April 1976
My right eye had been inflamed and swollen for more than three years. When I checked into Taiwan’s Tri-Service General Hospital in Taipei, I could hardly see out of it, and my left eye was severely hyperopic. Doctors discovered that I was suffering from keratitis (inflammation of the cornea).
“You could have picked it up from towels or from swimming pools,” I was told.
“If this isn’t enough, we’ll try to get more,” she said, adding, “You’re not like me. An illiterate person is blind though he can see. A man who can read needs both eyes.”
I put myself on Dr. Chou’s waiting list. A month later, he phoned me. “A driver was involved in a bad car accident,” he said. “Before he died, he told his wife to sell parts of his body to help support their children. Could you spare $250?”
The operation and hospital expenses would come to a further $200. I agreed, and was told to check into hospital the following day. I was extremely lucky. People waited for years before a cornea becomes available, and I told my wife how grateful I was to her for making the operation possible.
As I was being wheeled out of the operating room, my daughter Yung put her lips close to my ear and said, “Everything went well. Mother wanted to come, but she was afraid.”
I had never set eyes on the girl who was to be my wife until the day she was carried to our house in a bridal sedan chair. After bowing to heaven and earth, she was led to my bedroom. When at last I lifted the red brocade of her bridal headdress, I gasped with horror. Her face was cruelly covered with pockmarks, her nose was a deformity, and beneath sparse eyebrows, her scarred eyelids made her eyes swollen. She was 19, and looked 40.
I fled to my mother’s room and cried all night. My mother told me that I must accept my fate. “Homely girls bring good luck; pretty ones court sorrows.” But nothing she said reduced my anguish. I would not share a room with my wife, and I did not speak to her. I lodged at school. When summer vacation came, I refused to come home until my father sent a cousin to fetch me.
My wife was cooking supper when I arrived, and raised her head in a smile when she saw me. I walked right past her. After supper, my mother said to me privately, “Son you are being very cruel. Her face is unattractive, but she does not have an ugly heart.”
“No, it must be beautiful,” I stormed. “Otherwise how could you have made me marry her?”
In the 30 years of marriage that followed, I seldom smiled at my wife and never went out in her company. Indeed, I often wished her dead.
And yet, my wife proved to be endowed with more patience and love than anyone I know. When we first came to Taiwan, I held a low rank in the army, and my income was barely enough to pay for rent and food. The baby was often ill, and we had to cope with medical expenses as well. When my wife was not looking for after the household, she wove straw hats and mats to earn a little money. When we moved to a fishing harbor in the east, she darned fishing nets and when we moved north, she learned to paint designs on pottery. We never lived in army quarters because the truth was we both feared her meeting people I knew. I was often away from home, but I knew that needn’t worry about our two children or the household, with her looking after everything.
After the operation, my daughter Yung brought me a transistor radio to occupy the long hours while the bandages remained on my eyes. But I had plenty of time to think, and my thoughts kept returning to my wife. I was somewhat ashamed for telling her not to come to see me.
After two weeks, I learned that the stitches would soon be removed. I could not contain my happiness. “When I recover,” I told Yung, “I want to pay a visit to the grave of the man who gave me his cornea.”
“It’s a success. You can go home a week from today.”During that week, he tested my eye everyday. First I could see shadows, then the number of fingers on his hand. On the day I was going home, I could see the window, the bed, and even the teacups on the table.
“Mother’s making your favorite dishes to welcome you home,” Yung said when she came for me.
“Thank you for letting me see,” I said. It was the first time I remembered ever thanking her for anything.
“Tell him!” she cried. “Let father know you gave the cornea for his eye!” She shook her mother. “Tell him!”
“Golden Flower!” It was the first time I spoke her name.
“Why…why did you do it?” I demanded shaking her hard.
“Because…you are my husband,” she said, burying her head in my shoulder. I held her tight. Then I got down and knelt at her feet.